It’s a mistake to long for the past. The only result is disappointment. That doesn’t stop any one from doing it though. Especially when we know it.

I tell myself that I don’t long for companionship because I believe it is a pointless desire incapable of being met. I tell myself so fervently that I even believe it.

It’s not true. I do wish I had a husband and a father for my son. Someone to lay my head on and make me laugh. It would be amazing to have a second opinion about parenting from someone I respect enough to listen to.

I do think it’s futile though. I’m just not going to find someone who can meet my expectations who would also be interested in me. I’m just too much of an emotional burden. I think it’s better to accept that than spend any time daydreaming about things out of my reach.

People say, “No, you’ll find someone.” I refuse to hear it. I don’t have time to waste looking for something that’s not real, and I will not be distracted from the true priority, which is my boy.

I only wish I had got it right the first time and provided him with a good father. He has no one in that respect and I regret that.

My track record for long term relationships is shameful. They just keep getting worse, more abusive, more damaging. I’ve really put myself in some bad places. I can’t take that risk with my son. I can’t trust myself to pick someone good enough. And I’m not entirely certain I’m capable of loving anyone again. I’m really not.