It’s a major flaw in my character. A good example of this frustrating behavior is my stance on my son’s dad having a role in his life.

On the flip side my boy misses his daddy and needs a father. If I was a perfect mother, that wouldn’t make up for an absent father. A boy needs a daddy.

There are other facets to the flip, such as how destructive it is to his fathers emotional health when I prohibit him from seeing our son. The absence causes him to do more drugs in an effort to quell the misery of being alone and having lost his children.

This type of thinking causes me to allow him to come over to see Z. 75% of the times I agree to let him come over I end up regretting it. Flop.

It will start out fine. He is happy to see our boy and will play with him, but it usually leaves me thinking that I’m just a fucking idiot.

It’s a game of roulette. He may be calm and comparatively rational, or he could show up with so many meth crystals dried on his nostril that I can’t let him even pick our son up for fear of exposure.

This generally ends with me demanding his swift exit and occasionally I am forced to call 911 in order to achieve that. Hence the flip flop.

I’m strongly considering that it would be best for Z, and definitely better for me if this guy was just out of the picture. It’s the rational, logical solution.

I naturally want to protect my son. I naturally want to try and provide him a safe environment to see his dad under supervision. But logic tends to point toward complete dismissal of this drug addict father figure.

There is nothing like picking the lesser of two evils when it involves your child. Do I deny my 2 year old a father or do I enable him to be negatively influenced by the father I so ignorantly conceived him with?

About 90% of the time I really believe that radio silence is the best policy. The only problem is that I also used to love this dirt-bag. I start to feel sorry for him, I feel guilty for potentially driving him down the spiral.

Like I said its a huge flaw. One I struggle with. You can sit there if you like, outside of it all and say the answer is so obvious. So simple. But until you’re in it, how could you really understand the complexities of this type of fucked up situation?