I think about you every day. I will probably love you for the rest of my life. So many songs in my playlist lead my thoughts to you, the way you were.

I sometimes feel as though you have died and I’m mourning you. I guess I am in mourning.

I can still remember our days at the park, time traveling and loving to smile into your face. These memories are actually the painful ones, more so than the dramatically terrible ones.

I remember and it tears at me. Tomorrow will be harder for me than you could imagine. Not because it wont be hard for you but because you couldn’t conceive how I could do it and love you enough to feel this much pain.

I believe this is partly because you were never the same kind of parent I am and partly because you’ve damaged yourself so badly. Because you loved me more than your own kids, which horrifies me. I can’t understand it.

I believe you were so hurt by the fact that I loved our son more than you because you didn’t love him more. You should have. Right? Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? It’s not as if I didn’t love you. I loved you so much but you kept pushing and pushing until it hurt too much and I started to fear you.

I was patient. I gave you so many chances. I wanted to believe in you. I wanted you. I wanted our family.

I wasn’t perfect. I’m not going to say I was. But I did try. I did wait. I did put up with a lot. Because I loved you. You never knew how much because you were too busy trying to measure it and you were too high and crazy to see the truth.

I’m writing this here because I can’t tell you. It wouldn’t make sense to you if I tried. You’d probably just get angry thinking I’m tricking you, or worse, trying to manipulate you. So I keep quiet, say nothing, wait. I pray that someday you heal, and read these words when you can actually accept them.

I still love you. I miss you even though you’ve hurt me so badly. I’m not sorry for putting our son before you, but I am sorry I couldn’t find a better solution. I’m sorry that you’re alone. I’m sorry that you’re lost and angry. I’m sorry to see you hurt.

I love you.