I should be sleeping. Today, I took the day off and sent the baby to daycare so I could have some time to myself. I wasted it by sleeping till 1pm and woke up feeling worse.

I don’t think my mental health day was very therapeutic. Now I’m awake and its almost midnight. I’m writing because I feel like something needs to come out but I’m not entirely certain what.

My life is too…, something. I don’t know.  Something needs to change. It’s getting stale. I miss being loved. I shouldn’t watch romantic sci-fi adventure movies before bed. I’m in no position to date. I really believe it would be a mistake. I just want to feel loved, it would be selfish.

It’s interesting to read how I’m slowly talking myself out of these yearnings for the greater good. The truth is I’m not fit to be in a relationship. I’m barely fit to be a mother with my emotional limitations.

I love my son more than anything but it doesn’t prevent me from feeling selfish and wanting a moment of freedom from maternal servitude. I guess that’s probably normal.

I don’t believe anyone exists who could fall in love with me. I’m old, stubborn and scarred up emotionally. My only hope is to get emotionally healthy and better myself so I can spare my son from growing up with a backwards example of emotional health.

It’s fucking tough. Hardest thing ever. But in time I will recover and learning how to be a better parent should run parallel. One hopes anyway.