This isn’t how I pictured this. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

The death certificate states that it was “minutes” from the time of onset to death. That’s a long time to think about things while you suffocated. I’d give almost anything to know those final thoughts.

I remember everything now. From the beginning to the last time I saw you out my window in the front of my apt sitting on the curb waiting for the SPD process server.

I remember how silly you looked dancing with me the first night we met. Singing to you in my bedroom the first time I told you I love you. Time traveling at Woodland Park. I remember you rubbing my pregnant swollen feet and nesting for me. I remember begging you to get treatment and all the screaming and all the pain.

I never stopped loving you. I missed you so much. Now I never get to tell you all those things. My unsent letters left behind to haunt me with regret and a horrified void.

How could you do this to yourself? Your son left behind fatherless. Everything lost.

I will love you forever, just like I always promised.