A few days after I found out he was gone, something very strange happened. I was sitting on the couch watching Brave with my son. During the scene at the end when the girl has realized her mom is still a bear and tearfully states: “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault” I was thinking of how in Disney movies tears are magic and fix everything but I couldn’t bring S back with mine. I was thinking how much it was my fault he is gone, and I was miserable. At the end of her sentence a glass mosaic bird feeder S gave me fell 6 feet to the floor from a shelf it had been sitting on for 6 months and dented my floor but didn’t break.

A week or so later, I was sobbing hysterically in my dark living room after putting Z to bed. I was sobbing from guilt and fully accepting my own responsibility for S’s suicide. During this, the box that held his remains flew off the very same shelf and landed 3 feet from where you’d think something just sliding from a shelf should.

It’s really impossible to believe this was a coincidence. Especially since the box was wedged into the shelf so securely and the bird feeder had been sitting there untouched for so long. I’ve accepted that S wanted to comfort me and I think he was hanging around to do just that. You can call me nuts if you want to, I honestly wouldn’t blame you.

For a while it was a great comfort to know he was here but eventually I realized I was being selfish. I told him I was OK and he should go be at peace.

Since then, I can’t “feel” him here anymore. The house is empty and I know he’s really gone for good. I miss him even more now. I’m selfish and I wish he would come back.