I’m not ever going to be beautiful or thin again. Those days have past. I might become less fat or more attractive but that’s a far cry from the way things once were, before I had a kid and stretched my body into a chubby mom shape.

I was only skinny once and that was because I was so crazed and depressed I literally starved myself until my spine was visible. Even then I had a big butt.

I don’t really mind that no one notices me anymore, or that I’m shaped like a snowman. But sometimes I think that I might never be held again and that makes me sad.

I know I could still get laid if I wanted to but that’s not really what I’m looking for. The thing I really want is something I can never have. Because he’s gone.

Halloween was difficult. Thanksgiving won’t be sooooo bad but Christmas is coming. Christmas is going to fucking kill me again, worse than Halloween.

おやすみなさい。