I’ve finally gotten to the point where I think my anxiety and weirdness have reached levels I’m not really comfortable with. I lost my job in January and I can’t seem to find a job. This, of course, makes me feel like a complete failure.

I had a job interview yesterday for a company and position I want so badly that I can’t stop obsessing over my answers. I couldn’t sleep last night, I was barely able to take a nap today and I feel like I’m trapped in my own head. Because none of my answers were what I can consider good enough. My mom and my friends are telling me I’m over-analyzing it, but I used to interview applicants, and I know that I didn’t answer those questions as well as I should have. I think the worst part is that I know I could do the job really well, and I know what the answers should have been, but I can’t seem to get them out in an interview setting because I’m so nervous and try to answer so quickly that I’m just not articulating myself.

So I spent half the day today desperately trying to let go of the job, even though I haven’t been rejected… Yet. I suddenly burst into tears on 3 separate occasions today, and called my mom from the bus stop to bawl about it for 15 minutes.

I think the part that is hardest is that I can’t trust myself. I can’t tell if I’m over-analyzing or if I’m just being brutally honest with myself. I’m leaning toward brutally honest, with a dash of emotionally unstable.

And let’s not even get started on how difficult it is to be any kind of parent when facing all this defeat. I’ve lost my job, I’m gaining, weight, embarrassing myself in public and when my 6 year old wants my attention I’m too wrecked to engage in a positive way. I’m tearing myself apart over that too. How could I resist? I feel like a complete failure and I don’t know how to fix myself.

I have moments when I just want to give up. I mean, I wouldn’t even know how to give up but I want to so badly. I just want everything to go away and leave me alone. I just want there to be silence and nothing. At least for a few days.

I hate it when I’m like this. It’s so counter-productive and weak and gross. I just don’t know how to make it better.