I miss you. This isn’t easy. This life dealing with the empty place you left in your absence. With the silent blame from your family and the sorrow creeping up on our son who is learning to understand that you’re really gone. He thinks a monster killed you in a cave. He’s not wrong so I haven’t corrected him.

Baby, what was going through your mind I’ll never know. But I can tell you that you’ve been in my heart and on my mind for months before you left this world. I ached to reach out but considered it selfish and foolish.

I stopped being angry long before your passage and it broke my heart to find out what you did. I may have sent you away kicking and screaming but that didn’t last. The thing in this world I regret most is that I never told you. When I think of you alone in that garage steeped in anger and misery… Ooh baby, I’m so sorry. I want to push all my sorrow and love out into the cosmos to wrap around you to warm you. I hope you can feel it. I can’t bare to think of you trapped in an eternity of empty revolutions.

I love you. All the crazy fucked up shit – I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry I couldn’t see through all the drama. I’m sorry for going nuts and leaving you behind when Z was born. I’m sorry for being blind and selfish and cruel and hurt and cold.

I spend so much time trying to make up for the past in the hope that if you exist in any way at all that can be aware of it you’ll take some comfort in it. I miss your face and your eyes looking at me. Your arms closed around me. Your breath on my neck. Your smile.

Remember when we’d trip and I could always find my way back to reality just by looking at your handsome face. It was always clear. Except when the dmt took hold that one time. Your face was frightening. Smooth like a burn victim with a colorful tiny moving geometric sheen. It was ugly and dark. I’ve wondered on many occasions if it wasn’t a message, or a premonition.

I want to time travel back to you and hold you again. Sing lovesongs and fall into your heart all over again. If the only place you exist is in the past and I can find a thin place in time I’ll send my consciousness through the gap to see you again. Matter may not be able to travel in time but consciousness can. We did it once together. I even remarked on it. “Maybe we will visit this memory many times in our future together.” I even looked forward to it. A sign of the devotion we shared.